Learning My Place

Each and every day, I learn a little more about what it is I am doing with my life, and what my place is in art.

On Thursday, I had a meeting with Ed, the Chair of my department to discuss how the presence of dance at High Point U will be growing and expanding over the next few years. One thing is certain, that I must be patient. I had no idea how many entities and hoops I would have to go through to get things rolling. However, despite my introduction to the world of college inter-workings, my conversation with my department chair went exceptionally well. Ed likes all of my ideas, and by the end of the conversation, we are both happy with the plan we have come up with. The plan is to begin to implement a curriculum for a minor in dance. I'm so excited! During our conversation, Ed and I discuss what kind of students attend HPU, and more specifically, the students that choose to study in the department of performing arts. Ed reminds me that my students, and most of the students in the department are those that will become enthusiasts, not necessarily full-time arts professionals. After our conversation, I think hard about this reminder.

The students who fill out the ranks of my classes represent a spectrum of majors: marketing majors, education majors, political science majors, exercise science majors, communication majors, and more. Yes, I have many theater majors, as well. Most of the students are pursuing minors, in addition to their majors. Some students are double majors. Some students are double minors. And there is every combination in between. Ed tells me that these students who involve themselves in arts activities at HPU will generally graduate to become professionals who are art enthusiasts and supporters. That makes me think of how important it is to give my students a positive experience. After all, these students will be the ones buying tickets to our performances. They will be the ones contributing to our fundraisers, and sending their children to our classes. After my conversation with Ed, I realize what a responsibility I have!

I always thought growing up that I would be involved with dance at the highest caliber in every aspect. I would dance on the biggest stages. I would choreograph masterpieces. I would teach the next generation of world renowned artists. How different adult life turns out to be! I detest performing in large venues. I realize that the making of a masterpiece takes countless experiments, tries and failures. And I have grown to enjoy teaching those students that are 'raw' in their technique, but desire to experience the joy of movement in comparison to those that are training to be professional artists. I think I don't enjoy teaching pre-professionals as much as more 'raw' students, because the pre-professional students remind me of myself as a trainee...over-serious, inflexible(in my philosophy and methodology) and striving for an unattainable perfection. As I move toward deconstructing some of my pre-professional hang-ups, I can better appreciate the unique approaches to the challenge of moving in ways I have come to take for granted.

I can't wait to move forward with the dance minor plans at HPU, and I can't wait to learn and grow as my students do!

Saturday brought with it a day with Mackenzie! We spent the day in Greensboro, for the second show of the NC Dance Festival. When we arrived at our technical rehearsal, I see Mitch, the TD at UNCG, and I am happy. He was such a big help to me during the NCDF in 2007, and I was hoping he would be there! He helped everything to run as smooth as smooth could be, and our tech rehearsal was efficient and painless. I was happy to learn that after a great showing in Charlotte, our piece(Words Apart) was placed last on the program. But knowing that my former NC School of the Arts dance professor, Brenda would be in the audience made me feel nervous! Being last means that your piece is the last thing the audience is going to see, and generally the last piece is supposed to be the most energetic or poignant. No pressure!

Post rehearsal, Mackenzie and I had a bit of a girl's day. We went to Friendly Center, and had lunch. We wandered in and out of all of the shops. We talked and gossiped and generally enjoyed each other's company. Soon, it was time for us to get ready to perform. I hate waiting to get on stage! While waiting backstage, I suddenly begin to sike myself out...over-reviewing parts of the piece I know so well, over thinking the steps...I know this isn't a good thing to do. I know that I can just get on stage, breathe, and let the words guide me through the piece, as always. When our piece begins, all is going great! I'm breathing, enjoying my time out on stage, then suddenly, three steps slip from my memory. I roll...sit on my stool, do something with my arms...who knows! I then realize how short my time on stage is. That took no time at all...and those who have never seen the piece (even those who have) would be none the wiser that I had changed the steps. But the damage is done. The rest of the section, my mind is elsewhere, stuck on those three steps I missed. The rest of the piece goes as well as it could have, some little things here and there, as always in live performance, but I am both disappointed and apathetic (how, right?). After the show, I am met with compliments from audience members mingling in the lobby, and Brenda has only good things to say about the piece. I should be happy, but I don't think I believe her. I would believe her compliments, if I felt like I had done better.

At 5:30 this morning, as I prepare to take Mackenzie to the airport, she says, "Everyone is not out to get you..." I think she might be right, but I have a hard time believing that, as I always feel like people are out to get me! Not like the CIA is monitoring me, and that a secret agent is bugging my calls, but sometimes, I feel like the people I know and meet, and my experiences are always testing me...am I really an artist? Or am I simply an enthusiastic hopeful? Do people around me want me to succeed? Or are people waiting for me to fail? I can never tell.

So, in conclusion, all of my wonderful experiences lately have been absolutely as wonderful as anyone should expect them to be. I think it is my thinking that needs to change.

~Cara