Gratitude to Rejection, and Some Stuff in Between

It's true, this blogging habit of mine has gotten away from me as of late. So much activity has left me tired, but still anticipating another burst of activity to come.

It is with deepest gratitude that I acknowledge the phenomenal run of Thoroughly Modern Millie April 7th-10th by our students at High Point U. Opening night was a gorgeous burst of color, sound and energy from all players in the productions, including performers, musicians, tech crew and production crew. For as terrified as I was to begin the process of choreographing Millie, I can honestly say that I am proud of myself, and extremely grateful to my students and colleagues for their support and willingness to see the process through with me. At a faculty meeting yesterday morning, we laid the High Point University season to rest, as we discussed our collective experiences for the season, and how we'd like to proceed next year. I am excited to take on the challenge again for our next musical production, Urinetown, where I will have the opportunity to work with the students in a new capacity.

During all of the hectic activity of tech for Millie, Mackenzie and Laura came to town to participate in a work in progress showing of our piece, "Common Threads." You may remember, that Laura and I began work on the piece this past fall, with a residency at NC State, where the students there helped us to explore various aspects of the piece. Though the showing went over well, I can't say that our time together was perfect. It was difficult, because for Laura and I, this was our first real disagreement. Coming into the week of the showing, there were factors that cut into our rehearsal time; Laura ended up coming a day later than we had originally discussed, due to events out of her control. The rehearsal schedule that I had originally planned was shortened. I had planned the week very closely, as there were only so many rehearsals and classes I could miss. But I figured, with what I'd planned, we'd have three full, 6 hour days to rehearse together, spanned over four. We also had some contention over the material that was brought to the table. Ultimately, Laura felt as though I had overtaken the process leading up to the showing, and felt excluded in much of the making. Mackenzie felt overwhelmed, and excluded in other ways. It wasn't at all my intention to overwhelm, or exclude anyone, I was only doing what in the moment, felt productive. Not to mention, we hadn't truly talked about how we felt the week should go, before jumping in to do the work. For me, this was my first experience working in a way where there are no clear roles or definitions of players. That was difficult, and I admit, it is something I can see now I need more experience with. I can't speak for Laura or Mackenzie, but it is something I would like to explore further with them. Though I apologized to everyone, I still felt looked down upon when the process was finished. I couldn't help but have hurt feelings, thinking that my art partners might have reservations about working with me in the future. What now? Since then, Laura and I have talked about that week, as have Mackenzie and I. And though everything is supposedly fine, I feel that the hurt each of us felt felt won't really dissipate, until we have a chance to try again, and change those things that did not work.

That situation brings me to a more recent happening: What a privilege....I saw Joe Goode (dancer/choreographer from CA who has been around for EVER) speak this past Thursday at Wake Forest University. What an interesting, talented man! If he should know anything about failure, it would be him, and he talks about it, along with risk and patience eloquently. Hearing him speak helped me to understand that things don't always come out right the first time you do them, and that being terrified, anxious, happy, sad, delirious, are all fine, as long as you're willing to actually feel your emotions. He spoke about collaborative work, and how collaborative relationships take years to form fully (he works with his dancers and collaborators for decades). He also notes that when new members come to the company, that they "come in where they come in." Joe is known for having his dancers do all manner of performative tasks; talking, singing, mime, whatever is needed. The most interesting thing I thought he said was that he doesn't audition dancers to act or sing. He brings them on as dancers, and allows them to blossom on their own time. After hearing Joe speak about his process, I felt better about the situation with Mackenzie and Laura. After all, this was only our first attempt, and we all have a lot of growing to do!

On to the newest development! This week, I have had such fun in the studio! I am working on a new solo dance, for the NEWMOVES festival in Pittsburgh, PA, which will happen in May, just after I get back from Berlin! I have choreographed a little section of the piece, where I have a light in my palm. With that light, I light my face, and various parts of my body. I shoot light across the space, and in an instant, create total darkness. I love it! I just hope that it works on stage. I guess we'll see! The second section of the piece is a very physical conniption of sorts, which begins slow, but then speeds up. The third section, is still up in the air. I have been experimenting with the reading of a book, and an uncovered lamp. I am talking in this section, but I have been toying with the idea from the beginning, of speaking in a language other than English. I will let you know how that turns out!

As always, with all of this fabulous activity, there is the crush of rejection. I get many rejections a month, as I apply for TONS of festivals, workshops, conferences, etc. per year. It isn't so bad most of the time, because for every couple of "no's" you receive, you get a "yes." I'm quite busy, as you might have noticed! BUT, it always hurts when you get a "no" from a festival or organization that you were really hoping for. I submitted my film, "Kitchen Table," to the Dance Camera West Festival this year. I was really hoping I would have a reason to go. Alas, no such luck. Since I have no film project this summer, I cannot expect to try again next year. Today, I was looking at a dance film grant app, and realized that I have no project to apply for. It makes me sad. I had hoped that I would at least get to put together something small, but that will not be the case this year. What, with Brett in Charlotte, my savings (art savings included!) ravaged by an onslaught of unexpected events, and my summer now being devoted to teaching to make up for it, I am forced to take a hiatus. I can only hope that the hiatus makes room for me to think and imagine.

Alright then. Off to do some reading, and meet Karola tonight for some dancerly camaraderie!

~Cara