Success...what?

What is success really? For the past few years, I have been hard at work beginning what in my mind, is to be an "illustrious" career in the arts. I have given of my time and person freely for the sake of exposure. I have repeatedly diminished my finances to complete unfunded or partially funded projects and travel to be where I can show the fruits of my labor. I have spent many nights awake finishing up proposals and press kits, to leave the house in the morning to commute sometimes, up to two hours away to teach. At my fullest schedule, I have taught sixteen various classes a week in dance and yoga. I have enrolled myself in educational programs of different disciplines so that I may continue to gain new and valuable skills. I have put off time with friends and family, even postponing, a whopping three times, a first vacation with my boyfriend after three years of being together....He patiently put off his proposal until I finally buckled, and allowed him to drive me to the beach for two days! I'm glad I finally agreed to go, or else we might never have gotten engaged!

I am not complaining, because I have loved, for one reason or another, each experience or obstacle that has come into my art life. I have loved them even if at the time, I have entertained the notion of quitting. However, I have often pondered to myself what my life could be like if I could "turn off the switch," in other words, my impulse to create. What if the highlight of my week was hitting the bar with the girls? What if I considered buying the newest pair of Jimmy Choo's a rush? What if a quiet evening at home included watching Glee (which, by the way, I have still not seen) and American Idol? Many of my peers who do not do art, ask me why I put so much time into a series of activities that is clearly never going to make me rich, famous, or powerful. Part of me needs to create to feed the compulsion within me that makes loud chatter at night and keeps my head in the clouds as I walk through everyday activities. I am compelled to hear music, notice color and shape, observe movement and feel energy. Another part of me wants to show everyone that this compulsion has a place in the world and that I can harness this drive to make beauty and more over, a legitimate living.

As I progress through my process of submitting applications for festivals and teaching opportunities, making plans for upcoming projects and pinning down the calendar for the next year, I am constantly thinking of how I will achieve "the next best thing." That "thing" is what will bring me one step closer to being successful in some way: Creating greater beauty than I have ever created before, gaining recognition for my work, or coming to a place in my life where money is not such a concern. And I realize that this worrying has made me tired. I want a gallon of ice cream, and a couch to eat it on!

That being said, I have decided that though I am not one to rest on my laurels, I must remember to stand back and acknowledge the strides I have made since I began my art journey. I should appreciate the process and remember that I have my whole life to make art. Again and again, I am reminded that things come into my life just when I need them to, and if something has not come to pass, it is because I was not ready, not because I am not good enough. It is funny how once I think I have completely missed out on an opportunity forever, without warning, the opportunity arises once more, and I am all the more ready to fully engage in that experience. I love being an artist. I wouldn't give it up for the world. Only sometimes, it is difficult to separate what my soul wants for my art and what society says I should want for my art. As I move into the coming months, which will be extremely busy, I will remember to do what is now in writing: I will remember to take breaks, appreciate my own efforts, and not feel unproductive if I do take the time to indulge in a new pair of peep-toes and a sundae from Cold Stone!

My fiancee will be proud of me!

~Cara